Painted Words
by Muted Trumpet
Summary: Rachel has two diaries, one speaks about her dream future, the other speaks about, well, Quinn. Faberry


**A/N: Do not own**

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We love because we have to

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Oct 12 2010

To Quinn:

I had a dream last night. It was about you and me. I was a man and you were lying in my arms in a large bed at a beach resort in Hawaii. The perfect honeymoon; the best, the kind that you deserve to have. I love you Quinn and it hurts to know that you don't love me back. I kissed Finn but only because I wanted him to break up with you. I love you, more than you can understand and sometimes I hate myself, I hate myself for being the person who had no choice but fall in love with you.

You're so wholesome Quinn and I would love it if we were together; if we have a future together, if we could be a couple. But I know you hate me and you have no idea how much that crushes my soul. I love you and I don't think I can say it enough for you to understand how much I mean it. Finn is a great guy but I promise I can do so much better. I'd do anything for you; even change my gender just for a chance to be with you. Not that you're going to read any of this. But be assured, I love you.

And then today you sang that duet with Sam, the duet that was meant for me and you. How do you think it made me feel? Finn and I threw the competition for Sam so that he would feel like one of us but I had a secret motive, I threw it for you. I noticed the way you looked at Sam and how much you like him and that was why I did it. So that you would have that dinner with him and be happy. That's all I want for you, you know? To be happy and I believe that he can make you happy; something that I cannot do.

You're always

Rachel

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Feb 23 2011

To Quinn:

You looked at me today at Geography class, you have no idea how much that meant to me. My heart stopped and I couldn't breathe for that split second. And then my face was flush and I was trying so hard to hide the fact that I was blushing; over you. You haven't left my mind ever since I first laid eyes on you. I hate you Quinn Fabray! Why couldn't you just let me be normal? Why couldn't you just be the girl that let me feel normal? Why couldn't you be the girl that made my life a living hell and only a living hell? Why did you give me looks and stares that made me blush?

I don't want Finn, that you can be sure of even though he is my boyfriend. I don't want him, he isn't you and there isn't anyone in the entire universe that I want to be with more than you. Damn, I hate you and most of all; I hate how you make me feel when we are together. Damn you for coming to my party yesterday night. Why did you come and have me feeling like the complete wreck that I was? And then you had to compliment me on how 'awesome' my party was and that smile, that beautiful subtle smile. Don't you know how much I hate how it makes me feel? I wanted so much to reach up to you and kiss you on your soft lips like how they do in the movies but I couldn't. Why does it have to be this hard?

Completely lost

Rachel

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Apr 26 2011

You accompanied me to the doctor's today and then you touched my arm. Do you know how that made me feel? All that niceness you treated me with today was amazing. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me feel special enough for the soon-to-be prom queen to take me to the doctor's. you made me feel like a million dollars, the way you were today, the way you looked at me and chuckled that sweet sound.

You are amazing Quinn, more amazing than I can even begin to describe. I wished you were my date to prom. I wish so bad that I was your prom king. I want a dance with you, one where we touch and one that makes my body tingle all over and makes me feel special. Because that's how you make me feel; special. We sang a duet together today and it was amazing. You are beautiful, more than you know. If you don't believe it all you have to do is ask me and then you will know how much worth you have. I love you and I'd like to thank you for doing this for me; for making me feel more special than I actually am.

Forever yours,

Rachel

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Nov 29 2011

To Quinn:

I'm sorry that it's been this long since I wrote here but a lot has been happening lately, and my NYADA audition is the thing that has been weighing me down the most. But I'm writing today because I am thrilled that you touched me. When we were singing the song for Santana when that jerk tried to attack her, you touched me. And that made my skin tingle and my heart stop.

Why do you keep doing that? Why do you keep touching me when you know exactly what it would be like when you touch me? Why do you touch me when you know that my heart jumps and my skin tingles? I know that this is all in my head and you don't really know. Well, you aren't supposed to but I wish so badly that you did because I would love you to love me back. The song was amazing except I haven't touched your lips to mine before and that is what is killing me at this present moment.

There have been times when I picture a lip lock with you and Quinn, it is amazing. I see fireworks just thinking about it, but now, I have resigned to fate. I have decided that it is time to let go. It is time that I let my dream die. You will never be mine and that is something that I will have to understand.

Yours faithfully

Rachel

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Jan 18 2012

To Quinn:

Finn asked me to marry him yesterday and all I could think of was you. So I told him I had to think about it. I don't have the right to think of you this way, it just isn't my place but there is still this tugging at my heart that makes me think about you and how much I've been through with you and that is why I asked for your advice in the bathroom today. And it could be me being odd but I was actually relieved when you said that you didn't want me to marry him.

Because, I guess I wanted to believe that you were fighting for me, that you wanted me and so you didn't him to have me as his fiancée. It's silly, I know but I can't help but think this way and I wish it were true, I wish you wanted me as much as I want you. But it is time I let go of you because you'll never be in love with me even though I love you and this is why I'm saying goodbye to the romance (or lack thereof) that we had. I'm saying yes to Finn, and I hope you will be there when I get married.

No longer yours

Rachel

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Feb 21 2012

To Quinn:

It's my wedding day today and I am so, so happy that you agreed to come for it. I just want you to know that I agreed because I wanted to be practical but there is always a part of me that will love you. I waited for you and waited for you but you never showed up and then there was that dreadful call from your mother, the one that told us that you were in the hospital from the accident and I hate that I texted you. Maybe it wasn't meant to be so that I had to cancel the wedding.

And when I saw you with that mask and your eyes closed, all I could think about were the missed opportunities that I had wasted while I could have told you. I never left your bed, because I blamed myself for putting you in this mess, but I will never leave you because I am still yours. As much as I said that I wasn't yours anymore, I love you and cannot run from the owner of my heart; you. And even now, I am writing this in my wedding gown, the one that you were supposed to marry me in.

All I want is for you to get better and wake up so that I can tell you how much I love you.

Yours

Rachel

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March 28 2012

To Quinn:

You still haven't woken up so I am here again, at the hospital messaging your arms and legs so that you will have you blood circulating the way you should. The doctors told us that you wouldn't be walking any time soon because of your spine compression but I haven't given up hope yet, you will walk again, and I promise you I will be there every step of the way.

It was all my fault and I really wished I hadn't texted you while you were driving. This is truly one of the worst mistakes I have ever made in my entire life and I am just so, so sorry for this. I held your hand today and it made me collapse because you didn't squeeze it back.

All you did was lie there lifelessly and face the ceiling, I wanted so much for you to shout at me or scold me for stealing your boyfriend or something. But there was no such luck because you are in a coma. I touched your cheek today and it felt cold. I wished it didn't because it made me scared, I thought I had lost you for that split moment. I was so stupid, I should have told you how much I loved you while I could and now I can't.

Stupidly in love

Rachel

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Apr 10 2012

To Quinn:

You came back to school today and said that it was the happiest day of your life. Do I believe you? Yes, because you never lied to me before and also I would like to think that you felt good about your condition. And I'm holding you responsible if you're lying about dancing on that stage during nationals. That is all I want, for you to be dancing and laughing and having fun on your feet because that's who you are.

Welcome back Quinn, I love you and wish you a speedy recovering so that one day you will walk down the aisle into my arms. That's the dream of course, and it probably will not come true but I choose to hold on to the hope and wait.

Happily in love

Rachel

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"Hey, what would like to eat?" Rachel asks her friend as she walks up to her in her track suit. She's been practicing for the big marathon coming up. Quinn smiles and looks up from her wheelchair and smiles.

"I want a sandwich with peanut butter and jelly please Miss Berry", she replies with a smile.

"Coming up! Watch my things will ya?" Rachel asks and then she is gone.

Quinn smiles as she listens to Katty Perry. She just loves the song The One that Got Away, it just spoke to her and she absolutely loved it. As if it were meant to be, she turns to her right and that is when she sees it, a book amongst Rachel sweaty towels. It's a book decorated with hearts and bling. Quinn scrunches up her eye brows and picks it up. She knows that this may be private but she just cannot help her curiosity and so she reads it and understanding dawns on her.

"I've got your…" Rachel pauses midstep as she witnesses her friend holding her secret diary.

"What is this?" Quinn questions Rachel but before the girl can answer, she is pulled down into a long kiss.

"Oh Rachel Berry, I've always loved you too, how can a straight A student like you not know that?" she chuckles as Rachel reaches down for another kiss

Rachel smiles as they spend the afternoon in the sun, there will be a day in the near future where Quinn walks down the aisle into her arms, she is sure of it.

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**A/N: Please, please review this story if you found it a good read. Each review is appreciated greatly so please, review.**


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